so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
