dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
