C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
