You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
