I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
