one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
