Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
