Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
