You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
