Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
