I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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