I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
