i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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