pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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