I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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