Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
They are going to name an STD after you.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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