I am puke
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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