I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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