bring money and cleavage
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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