I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
