he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
