I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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