I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
