This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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