Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
