Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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