I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
