So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
