i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
