So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
