Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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