This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I would fuck him just for his dog
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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