I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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