this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
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