I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
