That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
