well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just had sex bonerless
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
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Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
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I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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