OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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