Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
