Hey man sorry I got all grabby
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize