Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
