I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
