that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
