you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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