True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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