youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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