My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I can't turn off my feet"
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
