I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
