feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
