I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
