I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
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we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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