M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
