I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
