The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
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Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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