The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
then he tried to convert me to islam
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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