When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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