We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
