do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
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We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
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I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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